I want to preface this post and these images by saying that this amazing woman, myself, and our incredible assistant trekked all our gear down down treacherous and profoundly muddy trails to get to the location. Despite our tiring mission in, Cat was in great spirits while I did her makeup as she sat on a slimy, wet rock (all while we got some hilarious looks from hikers along the beach). When we wrapped, she even told me she was sad because there was two (VERY small) dry spots left on her dress. I will let this amazing woman, and the photographs we created, do the talking for the rest of this post.
I wanted to do something outside of my comfort zone that incorporates something that I love. I love the ocean so much. It is a whole whirlwind of mystery, power and serenity and I was looking forward to trying to capture its over abundance of emotions in person.
Plus I'm hot as fuck and noticed a distinct lack of fat girl beach photos and that pissed me off.
I felt very, VERY outside of my comfort zone. I was all dolled up on a beach with these two most adorable women doing yoga poses, families running around and there I was in a dress standing on rocks and in the water.
Then the clothes started to come off and I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I don't fit societies definition of beauty. I am fat. I have literally been told by society my whole life to 'cover up' and that 'no one wants to see that'.
I felt as though each piece of clothing that I was taking off was a statement.
I felt as though I could finally start to peel back the layers of thick skin that I have had to build as a defence to cope with all of the terrible people who want to put me down, tell me I'm fat, tell me I am worthless, tell me that I am not good enough, tell me that I am unhealthy, tell me that they only say these things out of 'concern for my health' and who try to build themselves up off of my tears.
I loved seeing the photos. I am always so scared to look at myself in the mirror or on film. I had to sit down and brace myself and then...
then I fell in love with me again.
Every time I feel down about myself and how I look I take a gander at a few of my favourite shots where you can see the fierceness in my eyes and the power that I hold deep in my soul.
It will take years of continuing to 'peel back the layers' but for a moment in time I feel safe to love myself.
It is so against the rules to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself if you are not 'perfect'. It's exhausting to fight all of the hate and 'good intentions' that people spew out. Especially in the comments. I have learned to never read the comments.
We shouldn't have to fight so hard to be accepted for who we are and how we look. We're not perfect. We all have flaws. The beauty that the world needs comes from accepting yourself and letting a little bit of light shine through the darkness that society envelops us in.
You are beautiful. You are worth it. Don't let your fire die. Don't let them take it from you.